Heartbreaking Grief and Loss

Dealing with grief after loss: days, weeks, years later.

Grief has no time limit. I have a significant “Loss” anniversary coming up tomorrow.

While most people are scrambling around worrying about filing their taxes on April 15th, I am thinking about the loss of my first husband, William “Bill” Henry Weatherly. It is hard to believe this year marks 25 years since he was taken from us. I still can’t believe how much time as passed.

This week, has also been a rough week for some family and a good friend, as they have lost someone near and dear to them as well.

My friend Jim is struggling with the unexpected loss of his beloved wife Brenda. So much so, I felt like I needed to write him a letter and share with him about my experience with grief and loss.

After I finished my letter, I shared it with my husband Derek and he suggested I share it with others who might also be having difficulty dealing with their grief after the the loss of a loved one.

I gave this some thought and agreed with Derek. I truly hope that by sharing this letter, and sharing some of my own experiences with grief, I can help many of my followers with their grief process. Or at least let them know they are not alone.

I think we all know someone who has lost someone close to them. It doesn’t matter how the loss occurred, loss is loss, and grief can be difficult to navigate.

So here I go… I’ll start this off as if I’m writing to all I know who have suffered a great loss… and if your name is not on the above list, please feel free to add it and consider yourself included .

Dear Jim, Steve, Patricia, Larry, Renate, Ron, Janet, Jamie, Carol, Robin, Melanie, Joan, Rhonda, Nancy, Jeff, Aunia, Christy, John, April, Hayley, (and anyone else who needs to be on this list),

No words can say enough to tell you how sorry I am for the loss you are experiencing. The next few days, weeks, months, and possibly even years, will be some of the most difficult. But know you have friends and family who love you and will be here for you.

The tears will fall, often, and for what seems like forever, but unfortunately grief has no time limit. Don’t let anyone tell you when you need to get past this — or that you should be able move on — within what may seem like an unreasonable amount of time to others. Each of us has to work through our grief in our own way and in our own time. I’ve learned you never get over the loss, but you eventually learn to live with it.

There will be good days and bad days. At some point there will be more good days and fewer bad. Eventually you’ll start remembering all the good times — hang on to those memories, they will carry you through on the more difficult days. Hold tight to the love you shared, keep it in your heart.

Bill use to tell me ‘Whatever makes you happy’ — he always wanted me to be happy. I firmly believe this with all my heart. This phrase kept me going during my darkest hours. Knowing how much he wanted me to be happy pushed me to continue to live my best life while I’m still stuck living on this crazy-ass earth.

You’ll be sad, you’ll miss them so much, but don’t let the sadness and loss turn into the dreaded “D” word — Depression — no one wants that for you.

With that said, please give yourself grace. If a day comes when you don’t feel like ‘adulting’ and getting up to face the world, for one or two days, that’s okay. Call a friend or family member, get outside, have some ice cream, go for a walk, watch a funny movie, or a movie you both enjoyed. Just don’t forget to take care of your doggies (or whatever pet you may have, or kids, or plants — fill in the blank). When you take the dog out for a walk, get some sunshine on your face, this will help.

Remember, you have time, Take the time to recover and grieve. Also remember, it’s important to do so. Don’t do anything rash or in haste. Take the time to sit and think about what you’d like to do next.

Is there something you’ve always wanted to do? Travel? Start a hobby? Learn to play an instrument? Take up photography? Learn to paint? If nothing else, get out and experience Nature — being in nature is always helpful, at least it is for me. Take time to smell the roses. Literally.

Also note: your mind will wander — it happens. This is normal. One minute it will be 10am and you’ll be sitting at the table thinking about everything you need to do that day, and the next thing you know, it will be 6pm and you’ll be thinking ‘where did the time go?’ and you’ll have accomplished nothing. It can happen.

It’s okay, just remember to ‘Give Yourself Grace‘. Maybe put that phrase on a sticky-note and place it around the house where you can see it regularly. You’ll thank me later.

Also, don’t be surprised if you’re in the car one day driving, heading out to get groceries, or run an errand, and you find yourself 3 or 4 hours down the road. Yes, this can happen, it happened to me. Its possible to get so deep into thought you end up on auto-pilot and just keep driving. If this happens to you, remember to give yourself grace.

There will be ‘triggers’ — meaning, out of the blue, for no apparent reason, the tears just fall. A trigger could be a song, a place, a letter, a smell, a food, an important date, it could be anything, a special something that reminds you of your loved one and cause the tears to come without notice. It can happen and it’s okay. So, try not to let it bother you. It’s all part of the process. After a while, the tears will turn into a smile and you’ll embrace the warm memory.

I’m sure I’ve forgotten something, but I want you to know, I’m keeping you close in my heart and sending you lots of love and virtual hugs.”

~ Love, Jackie

Grief is no joke, be sure to take care of yourself. Allow yourself all the time you need to process your loss. I have some book recommendations. These are the books that helped me the most. I’ll attach links below.

• I’m Grieving as Fast as I Can: How Young Widows and Widowers Can Cope and Heal. By Linda Feinberg
• Where Is God When It Hurts? By Philip Yancy
• How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies. By Therese A. Rando, PHD
• No Time For Goodbyes: Coping With Sorrow, Anger, and Injustice After a Tragic Death. By Janice Harris Lord

As always, thank you for following along on this journey with me. If you are interested in reading my future topics, please subscribe below and I will send you and email whenever I upload a new blog post. As always, I am interested in hearing your views, please post in the comments below. Take Care, sending you love and positive energy.